Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dine and Dash

When I was 19, I met this guy and we exchanged numbers and even had a good night kiss after a few too many drinks. The next day, I went out of town for a few weeks, but he invited me over to his apartment for dinner and a movie after I returned. I didn't really remember what he looked like so when the guy answered, I was hoping it was his roommate, because this person was missing two of his front teeth. Unfortunately for me this was my date. As much as I wanted to leave I decided to stay for the dinner that he had prepared. Everything was fine until he asked if I noticed anything weird about my salad dressing. I told him I didn’t and he said, "I added some protein powder to your dressing because you mentioned earlier that you don't get enough protein in your diet." Between the lack of teeth and him slipping mysterious nutritional supplements in my food, I knew this was going nowhere. We still had a movie to watch and it was only 8:00pm so I couldn't say that I was too tired. Then he said, "I have to tell you something. The reason I invited you here instead of taking you out is because I am now on house arrest and am only allowed to go to school and work." I thought he was joking until he lifted his pant leg and showed me the monitoring device on his leg. In the few weeks I was on vacation he had gotten sentenced, for what I have no idea! At that point, I didn't care about being polite; I grabbed my purse and said I had to go.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Far Side

Lust. How far can it take you? Apparently to all kinds of weirdo places. Daniel Bergner's The Other Side of Desire: Four Journeys into the Far Realms of Lust and Longing out today, promises a tour of sorts (amputee chasers, foot fetishists etc). The author, who's reported from Sierra Leone and Angola (as in the infamous Louisiana prison), discusses the book here. While you are at it, you might want to check out his recent Times Magazine piece entitled 'What do Women Want?' It's eight pages long but features a lady scientist who makes people (with wires attached to their bits) watch apes in action. 

Monday, January 26, 2009

In the Bedroom

I waited a couple of months to sleep with this great guy I was dating. Usually I like to get physical earlier to make sure there is sexual chemistry, but I could see this becoming something serious so I thought I would try to wait awhile and not rush things. We finally went back to his apartment after a fun Japanese dinner and I was ready to get down to business. He toured me through his spotless two-bedroom place, saving the bedroom for last. As soon as we entered I gasped. There were seven of the most childish stuffed animals I have ever seen on his bed. They were all lined up in a row just staring at me. I was horrified and mumbled something about having to play tennis early in the morning and left. I never returned his calls and didn’t feel bad about it.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Summer showdown

For a whole summer, I was enchanted by this extremely good-looking man (think talking, charming, well-travelled CK Underwear model). Our first few dates were some of my very best: French restaurants, great wine, concerts in the park, BBQs with his family, lazy Sunday brunches etc. That summer - and our relationship - lasted into September. More precisely to one mid-September Saturday afternoon when I woke up in his apartment which was a slight dump despite the fact that he was in the decorating/contracting business. I'd needed a towel and he directed me to his closet. Like the rest of the place, it was a mess. I was digging up the mound of clothes when I chanced upon a firearm. A handgun. The kind you see on The Wire. I screamed and leapt out of the closet. Needless to say, I don't have an NRA membership and am petrified of the idea of civilians carrying guns unless they live and hunt in the countryside. I doubted somehow that this guy was planning to shoot Bambi for veal parmigiana. He tried to explain that it was for protection. I didn't even want to know what that meant so I hightailed it out of there. Later, I found out that being a contractor from New Jersey can mean something else too...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Cutting a Rug

I was dating this guy named Milton and he asked me to be his date to his 21st birthday, which is a big deal in England, where I was living at the time. It was in a big hall just like a wedding or bar mitzvah with his parents at the front table. We went out to have the first dance in front of probably 120 people. To be festive I took some confetti from the table and threw it up in the air. Some of it landed in his hair so I went to flick it off and his whole toupee came off. I had no idea he was wearing a wig especially since he was only 21 years old. His brother came over and patted it down. He was mortified, but I was more mortified. 

Monday, January 19, 2009

A Couple We Can Believe In

Change officially begins at noon in Washington D.C. tomorrow. President Barack Obama holds the hopes and dreams of many, including ours at MVWD. In the annals of courtship of the famous and fabulous, Obama and Michelle represent how things can go unbelievably right (and remain so). We've seen the fist bumps, the election night kisses, heard their cute remarks about each other (she: he's got bad breath; he: she's always right), read about their first date and been generally enamored about how actually happy they look. Here's an early image of them (a few short years after they began dating) taken in 1996 in Chicago by Mariana Cook and republished last week in The New Yorker. Not only did we did we ooh and ahh over the lovely meditations on their marriage in the accompanying interview but we were impressed by the rather saucy Indonesian print (the one in the middle) overhead in the portrait.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Silence is Not Always Golden

My first couple of dates with an engineering professor I met on was okay. He was pretty passive: he'd never ask the host for a table or the waiter for water. I decided to give it one last try since he otherwise seemed to be a nice, smart guy. But I decided that I wasn't going to step up and do anything. I would do the Dinner of Silence and resolved to not speak unless he asked me a question. It was the quietest (and longest) dinner ever. Afterward, we went to the parking lot to get our car from the valet, but he was nowhere to be seen.  My date said, “Let's just wait, he'll eventually show up.” 

I wasn't willing to devote any more time to this date so I took it upon myself to look for the valet who I finally found in a car lying across the seat, snoring, with his feet hanging out the window of his own car. I politely said, “Excuse me” several times with no response. My date was standing at the front of the lot, just watching me, so I reached over and grabbed the valet's toe and shook it. He woke right up and got our car immediately. Finally, as we were driving away, my date turned to me and said, “I thought you were obnoxious back there.” I can't tell you how hard I bit my tongue on that one. Thought I'd never hear from him again, but he actually called the next day. Go figure. I did not return the call.

Blind Date

At times, I seem to have made online dating a career and one of my earlier negative online dating experiences involved plans to meet at El Cholo restaurant on Western in Los Angeles. Driving from Newport Beach (about an hour south) was a commitment but I felt it was proper as a gentleman. I was fortunate to endure light traffic that day and got to the restaurant at about 40 minutes early. The hostess informed me that the wait would be about an hour so I added myself to the list and set to waiting for my date. 

More than an hour went by and then I heard my name called for the available table. I told the hostess that my date had not yet arrived. She kindly stated we would be seated once my date arrived. I waited a bit longer only to hear a voice next to me say, "Hi. I've been here the whole hour watching you. I could tell that you didn't recognize me. I've been waiting here deciding what I should do.” 

She was morbidly huge, 15 years older than her photos and I found out that she had two kids. All of those things were major deal breakers from the beginning. To say she was dishonest with her published photos, age and weight would be an understatement. I told her to never do this to anyone else again. I'm not sure if I was angrier because I was lied to, drove the long distance for nothing or departed El Cholo without enjoying a good meal. Maybe it was all those reasons together.

The Boy Next Door

A year ago, I met this guy in the parking garage of my apartment complex.  One day we pulled up at the exact same time and started chatting. He was your typical dreamboat: six-foot-four, good head of hair, great body and a nice smile. The next morning I came down to my car and there was a note stuck on the window that said, "It was nice meeting you yesterday. I think you're really cute and would like to take you for a drink if you're interested.”  

That weekend we went out for drinks and I had a strong suspicion that something was off about him, but I was too blinded by his Ed Hardy sequins to think clearly, so I proceeded with the date. About 30 minutes in he starts to tell me that his father is in the KKK and that he thinks Mel Gibson’s views on the Jews is 100% accurate. So far all I had gotten to was my name and where I was from.  How did we go from, “Do you have siblings?" to racial and religious hatred? 

Needless to say, I was not ok with this. I told him in a polite yet sarcastic manner that since I was Asian and my best friend gay, it probably was not going to work out. I was so offended and put off by this point that I asked him why he would want to date me anyway and he responded with, "I figured since I moved to California, I should try to be open.” I got home, tore up the note, and threw it in the trash.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Check It

I met this guy through a friend at a Christmas party and we had a successful first date full of laughter, good food and chemistry. When he called for a second date he explained that it was also his birthday. I felt a little awkward about spending that special day with him since we just met, but he said birthdays weren’t a huge deal for him and he’d rather spend it with me than doing something with friends or family. He picked me up and took me to a fancy restaurant that I had read about. I bought him a miniature chocolate cake as a surprise since he was taking me somewhere so nice. 

When we got there he ordered a pricey bottle of red wine and filet mignon. We had a great meal and some romantic kisses, but when the check came he just sat there. I went to the ladies room thinking that there was no way he expected me to pick up the check. When I returned the check was still sitting on the wood table just staring at me. He must have known I was irritated because he said he didn’t have enough cash or a credit card assuming it was my treat. Rather than saying something I paid the $210 bill in a state of shock. I was so disgusted I knew I was never going to talk to him again and I didn’t. Every time I drive by that restaurant I kick myself for picking up that tab.