Sunday, April 19, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
When I lived in New York City, I actively dated on Match.com. My Very Worst Date happened when I met a guy at a Union Square restaurant. I walked in and saw a guy sitting at a table looking around, but he was clearly 10 years older than the photo he’d posted online. His hair was also much thinner, but I decided to give it a shot anyway and introduced myself. The waitress came right over and asked if we would like anything to drink.
"No, we don't want any cocktails," he said rather curtly.
I let it slide because I thought he might be an alcoholic for a second. Still I was annoyed that he spoke for me.
"Well, can I order a soda then?" I asked.
"Do you have to?"
I was turned off by his cheapskate ways but I still tried to enjoy the rest of the meal since he seemed fairly charming otherwise. After dinner, we stepped out of the restaurant into a rainy, rainy night. Since we were both headed to the Lower East Side, I suggested we share a taxi.
"Do you have your Metrocard with you?" he asked. "Because we're taking the bus."
I had one in my back pocket, but I was shocked that in the cold rain he would want to wait for a bus just to save a couple of bucks.
"And is it one of the unlimited ones because I forgot mine?" he added.
I gave him the card, which had four bucks left on it, and I hopped in a cab to meet my girlfriends.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Sometimes a Very Worst Date happens outside the traditional 'dinner and movie' set-up. Your romantic hopes might be crushed earlier or later on. So we present our first Mid-Courtship Disaster...
For the first time in my life, I found myself thrilled when the flight attendant showed me to my seat. I was flying business class for work and expected everything to be a little classier and better looking but my neighbor exceeded all my hopes of a glamorous traveling companion.
Not only did he look like an South Asian version of John F. Kennedy Jr., he was also reading a book about surgery. I silently thanked God for the blessing he’d delivered to me. Now we had the entire New York-Los Angeles trip to get to know each other, I thought as I settled in. The promise of his looks was fully fulfilled in his personality - he was remarkably erudite and stunningly intelligent. By Las Vegas, I was ready to marry him.
Before we alighted at LAX, he gave me his number. That's when he dropped in another number: his age. I knew the guy was younger than me so I guessed late 20s. I was older (in the next decade) but not by that much so I did not think it was that disgraceful - until he revealed he was 18. His parents had been several rows ahead of us on the plane!
After I’d finished up with work in L.A., I decided to call him on the urging on my colleagues, who cheered loud and excitedly, "Why not?" We ended up going out to fancy restaurant, where the reality of his age came home fully.
When the waiter came up to ask if we wanted cocktails, I held my breath. He ordered a soda and later, he charmingly and thoughtfully discussed how he’d spoken to his friend about me and how they’d weighed up the relationship’s possibilities of working out.
For me, this was not My Very Worst Date in the traditional sense, but it was still something of a dating tragedy. I was crushed. I met the man of my dreams and he turned out to be a boy of 18.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
In the mid-90s I was 19, I had just come out of the closet and was taking six weeks of summer school in Ohio and there were very few people on campus. I picked up an alternative free city paper and discovered the personals section in the back. So I brought it back to my dorm and placed one because it was free. A few days later I had a message from this guy and we had a good chat. He was in his early 30s, but I didn’t mind the age difference. Since I didn’t have a car, he offered to pick me up, so I sat outside the student union and this red Toyota Celica pulled up. “Fuck,” I thought to myself as soon as I saw him. He was wearing acid washed tapered jeans, white sneakers and an open buttoned white shirt that revealed a black t-shirt. Oh and he had thick Coke bottle glasses and buckteeth.
Since I was the only person in the area and had told him what I looked like, I couldn’t get out of it. We went into town and I picked a place where no one could see us. He ordered spinach dip, but managed to get it stuck in between his teeth. He snorted while laughing and proceeded to reveal that he was divorced and still lived with his ex-wife who was actually a post-op tranny. He said he married her because she needed a visa and he “really liked trannies.” The sad thing was that he had no clue I was having such a miserable time. He insisted on stopping for an ice cream sundae at Friendly’s before dropping me back at my dorm and I didn't argue because this guy could have easily driven us into the woods and I would have disappeared. He told me he’d love to see me again, but I told him I just didn’t feel a connection. I avoided personal ads from that day on.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I met this cute guy at a bar and he hung out with my friends and I for the rest of the night. I ended up drunk and back at his one-bedroom bachelor pad where we did some high school-style making out. The decor at his apartment consisted of t-shirts with silly sayings that were pinned to the walls. After a few more kisses we ended up just falling asleep. When I woke up I called my friend. I was concerned because my friend had a fight with her girlfriend the night before and I spent a few minutes consoling her before asking her to pick me up.
"You're leaving?" he asked.
"Yeah. You know I'm the love 'em and leave 'em type," I joked.
That set him off. He proceeded to start yelling at me, saying that I put my friends first and didn't have a backbone of my own.
"I thought we were getting along great and really have something here," he pleaded. "You really are just the love 'em and leave 'em type!"
As I was gathering my belongings he stormed into his bathroom, slammed the door and told me I could wait on the curb. I happily obliged and waited for my ride outside.
He then tracked me down through MySpace and sent me a note recapping the entire evening and morning, again referring to me as the "love 'em and leave 'em" type.
Remember Kenley from last season's "Project Runway?" She seemed a little crazy on the show, but we never expected this! Turns out that the designer we all loved to hate was arrested in her Brooklyn home on Tuesday morning after assaulting her sleeping ex-fiance with everything from a laptop and apples to water and -- wait for it -- her cat!
According to court documents Collins told her ex-fiance, Zac Penley, "You're lucky … it could've been a lot worse." Kenley was promptly arrested and charged with 2nd degree assault, 3rd degree assault and criminal possession of a weapon in the 4th degree.
The "Runway" finalist's comment upon being released from jail on Tuesday morning?
"It was a miscommunication."
We're pretty sure Mr. Penley would call it something else. Ladies, violence is never the answer.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I met a nice and attractive girl at a bar so I asked her out. She told me there was this restaurant she was dying to try so I made reservations for Friday night. The dinner was good, but very expensive. I figured that on the second date we would go somewhere more casual. But she suggested another fancy place. I obliged, but I was determined to go somewhere cheap if it continued beyond the second date. We had great conversation and I was definitely interested in dating her because she was smart, beautiful and well traveled. When I asked her out for date number three I suggested we go bowling. She sighed and said she really wanted to try this new hot spot she read about. She agreed to bowling, but proceeded to pout throughout the date. I asked her what was wrong and she explained that dating was the only way she ever got to try these upscale restaurants since she was fired from her job six months prior. She said she really missed her old lifestyle. I flat out asked her if she had any interest in me beyond my ability to take her to dinner and she shrugged her shoulders. I gave her ten bucks for a taxi and walked out.
I hit it off with a great guy who I met at a bar when I was cocktail waitressing. He took me to a local sushi joint and I guess I became quiet because of nerves or something. Frustrated, he picked up a conversation with the two women on my other side. I thought, 'I have got to loosen up here,' but instead proceeded to get drunk on sake. After dinner we went to his house and he asked me if I would like some Champagne and next thing I know I wake up on his couch around 4:00 am. "Hello?" I asked. He comes out of his room and tells me that I passed out so he left me on the couch. Embarrassed, I decide to make it up to him and bring him a bouquet of balloons later that day. I made it to his place, but heard about three or four of the balloons pop thanks to the cottage cheese ceiling in the hallway. He was not home so I wrapped the attached ribbons to the door handle with the card. Before I could tie them in a knot, I lost a few more. We never recaptured the magic of the first night we met. Of course, I kept running into him after that, which is almost unheard of in Los Angeles.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Honeymoon With My Brother author and friend of MVWD Franz Wisner is at it again with his new book How The World Makes Love (St. Martin's Press), out today. Here's a short list excerpt from the book:
The World's Worst Pick-Up Lines
1. Don't I know you from a past life? INDIA
2. What's a nice place like this doing around a woman like you? CZECH REPUBLIC
3. I would love to be a farmer and you to be my soil. Our crop would be bananas. NICARAGUA
4. At what time does a hurain like you need to be back in heaven? EGYPT
5. You are smelling very nice to me. BOTSWANA
6. Let's have cafezinho. I can call you or nudge you. BRAZIL
7. My parents already have engaged us to be married. They just forgot to tell you. INDIA
8. How would you like your breakfast eggs, scrambled or fertilized? NEW ZEALAND
9. So, you like music? LOS ANGELES
10. Does your backside want my phone number? BRAZIL
What are your worst pickup lines, abroad or local?
Monday, March 16, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
He goes on to give some good tips on opening up to the world, whether you're in the top 5% of intelligence or not:
"The purpose of relationship (and perhaps all of life) is to practice the loving. No partner is going to be 100% perfect anyway, so learn to appreciate people for what they have to offer, not what they don't. And love them for that. That's what real loving is."
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
"... the second-cousing-twice-removed of the more conventional speed dating.But instead of having three minutes to impress the opposite sex with your painted-on smiles and zest for life this is a night dedicated to grumbling, misery and despair."
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The closest I've come to understanding the urge was when I found myself attracted to Eddie Izzard despite the fact that he was wearing rather nasty nail varnish and a skirt shorter than mine. It taught me that you can never predict or dictate what's going to turn you on. Reverse discrimination is rife in what we wear. Women sport ridiculous concoctions, call them fashion and are admired by their contemporaries. Men are barely tolerated out of trousers.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Thor, a guy I met when I was out with a friend one night, was 45 minutes late picking me up. He drives us to a Japanese restaurant and lets me know that he has never tried sushi. He asks the waitress why sake doesn’t taste like wine and if Geisha stomp on rice to make it. “I think I’m going to get this California Roll,” he says. “Now, what about this avocado fish? What’s that like.” I explained that avocado was actually a fruit. Dinner arrives and he eats with his hands because “this chop stick thing blows my mind.” He talks about his take on religion, the book he has just read that is a “cross between Dungeons and Dragons and the Bible,” how his mother is going to love me and then about how attractive and tall our children will be. He reaches up to get his Budweiser from the table. His elbow hits the underside of the table flipping it over. Sushi, soy sauce, beer and red wine take flight in the direction of my white pants.
Finally, the bill comes. He opens it, closes it … and hands it to me. Then says, “So, ah, what are you throwing in?” Stupidly, I reach in my clutch and put down the entire contents of my wallet (forgetting to save cab fare so I don’t have to accept a ride home). He drops me off at home and asks if I am busy over the weekend. “Yes Thor, I am busy,” I say. He asks, “What about next week?” I said I was busy and then going out of town and then simply just not interested. “This evening did not go very well,” I explained. He said that he had a great time. Then he asks, “What about your friend? Do you think I could call her?”
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
I asked a girl I was casually dating to attend a charity wine tasting event and, as could be expected, we both caught a pretty good buzz. At dinner afterwards, I ordered a Cabernet, while she had a straight gin martini. Followed quickly by another. And another. She then says she’s not feeling well and heads to the restroom to purge, but returns feeling much better, and wants to head to the bar across the street for one more drink. Unfortunately, another dude she was dating happened to be there. He looks at her, ignoring my presence, and asks her if she was coming over that night. Annoyed, I started to leave and she ends up following me. As we were walking along on our way home, she keeps talking about this other guy.
I suggested that we sit down to discuss what just occurred. However, instead of sitting on the bench, she went head first into it and looked up at me with blood pouring out of her nose. People began stopping and asking her if she is OK, while looking at me like I just punched her in the face. I duck into a bar and grab a ton of napkins. I am now cleaning blood of both our shoes, while she tries to get Niagara Falls to stop. She starts slurring about the other guy again, at which point I blurted out an obscenity, and turned around and went home.